When you trip, it's God pushing you

I was looking into gravity when this little gem came up.

THE ONION~: http://www.theonion.com/content/node/39512

Quote :

KANSAS CITY, KS—As the debate over the teaching of evolution in public schools continues, a new controversy over the science curriculum arose Monday in this embattled Midwestern state. Scientists from the Evangelical Center For Faith-Based Reasoning are now asserting that the long-held "theory of gravity" is flawed, and they have responded to it with a new theory of Intelligent Falling.

"Things fall not because they are acted upon by some gravitational force, but because a higher intelligence, 'God' if you will, is pushing them down," said Gabriel Burdett, who holds degrees in education, applied Scripture, and physics from Oral Roberts University.

Burdett added: "Gravity—which is taught to our children as a law—is founded on great gaps in understanding. The laws predict the mutual force between all bodies of mass, but they cannot explain that force. Isaac Newton himself said, 'I suspect that my theories may all depend upon a force for which philosophers have searched all of nature in vain.' Of course, he is alluding to a higher power."

Founded in 1987, the ECFR is the world's leading institution of evangelical physics, a branch of physics based on literal interpretation of the Bible.

According to the ECFR paper published simultaneously this week in the International Journal Of Science and the adolescent magazine God's Word For Teens!, there are many phenomena that cannot be explained by secular gravity alone, including such mysteries as how angels fly, how Jesus ascended into Heaven, and how Satan fell when cast out of Paradise.

The ECFR, in conjunction with the Christian Coalition and other Christian conservative action groups, is calling for public-school curriculums to give equal time to the Intelligent Falling theory. They insist they are not asking that the theory of gravity be banned from schools, but only that students be offered both sides of the issue "so they can make an informed decision."

"We just want the best possible education for Kansas' kids," Burdett said.

Proponents of Intelligent Falling assert that the different theories used by secular physicists to explain gravity are not internally consistent. Even critics of Intelligent Falling admit that Einstein's ideas about gravity are mathematically irreconcilable with quantum mechanics. This fact, Intelligent Falling proponents say, proves that gravity is a theory in crisis.

"Let's take a look at the evidence," said ECFR senior fellow Gregory Lunsden."In Matthew 15:14, Jesus says, 'And if the blind lead the blind, both shall fall into the ditch.' He says nothing about some gravity making them fall—just that they will fall. Then, in Job 5:7, we read, 'But mankind is born to trouble, as surely as sparks fly upwards.' If gravity is pulling everything down, why do the sparks fly upwards with great surety? This clearly indicates that a conscious intelligence governs all falling."

Critics of Intelligent Falling point out that gravity is a provable law based on empirical observations of natural phenomena. Evangelical physicists, however, insist that there is no conflict between Newton's mathematics and Holy Scripture.

"Closed-minded gravitists cannot find a way to make Einstein's general relativity match up with the subatomic quantum world," said Dr. Ellen Carson, a leading Intelligent Falling expert known for her work with the Kansan Youth Ministry. "They've been trying to do it for the better part of a century now, and despite all their empirical observation and carefully compiled data, they still don't know how."

"Traditional scientists admit that they cannot explain how gravitation is supposed to work," Carson said. "What the gravity-agenda scientists need to realize is that 'gravity waves' and 'gravitons' are just secular words for 'God can do whatever He wants.'"

Some evangelical physicists propose that Intelligent Falling provides an elegant solution to the central problem of modern physics.

"Anti-falling physicists have been theorizing for decades about the 'electromagnetic force,' the 'weak nuclear force,' the 'strong nuclear force,' and so-called 'force of gravity,'" Burdett said. "And they tilt their findings toward trying to unite them into one force. But readers of the Bible have already known for millennia what this one, unified force is: His name is Jesus."

I thought it was funny, anyway.

So when I'm masturbating, it's really God pushing my hand down, and lifting my hand up? Wow, dude knows how to throw a handjob!

Saint wrote:

So when I'm masturbating, it's really God pushing my hand down, and lifting my hand up? Wow, dude knows how to throw a handjob!

you think his hj is magical just wait for a beej.












(apparently that was one written in the treaty of tripoli)

i found most of these pictures on the facebook group for god...i love it.

Yeah, it was from the treaty of Tripoli.



Best one ever imo.

Thor owns all!

the Thor one made me Laugh Out Loud, boistrously. Thor is fuckin bad ass. i hope i go to Valhalla when i die

i agree with saints analysis of the article! zero, you must be flexible to have had a god bj! im envious, sounds heavenly!

Legionnaire wrote:

zero, you must be flexible to have had a god bj! im envious, sounds heavenly!

rofl! good catch

since we are laughing i'll post funny things to me

(no sexist but its funny that it google did it. They changed it after feminists went ape shit)




Bonus here. If anyone gets this reading between the line reference of this I'll be somewhat surprised. (Not funny but subliminal messaging). It is kinda blatant.



PS* Saint get some youtube coding up in this joint. Using flash etc is gay.

I like how that first picture of yours, Legion, only lists other denominations of Christianity, as opposed to--heaven forbid--other beliefs.

So, in America, "freedom of religion" means you MUST have a religion? Brilliant!

Saint wrote:

So, in America, "freedom of religion" means you MUST have a religion? Brilliant!

and that's why there will be no atheist or agnostic president for a long time.

Legionnaire wrote:

if there's any sign from a higher power that tells us to have fun and enjoy it's this. this is better than jesus on a toast.

... plus you can stick your penis in both. And we all know what fun that can be!